


Beauty and the Grease

by ShireLass



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Beauty and the Beast Fusion, Disney, F/M, Fairy Tale Parody, Marauders, Parody, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShireLass/pseuds/ShireLass
Summary: A humorous twist on Disney's Beauty and the Beast, starring Lily Evans and Severus Snape!
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from FFN.

The sun shone down upon the quiet streets of a peaceful village, while a red-headed girl walked alone with a wand in her hand. Several people stared as she passed an apple tree and made several apples levitate in the air, though levitating objects were not an unusual sight in this particular village. The girl, whose name was Lily Evans, attracted stares wherever she went because she was the only witch in the entire town whose family possessed no magic. She was a mystery to her neighbors and a spectacle in the eyes of her Muggle sister, who watched the apples float through the air with a sour look on her face.

Ignoring the stares, Lily continued down the street and sang:

_"Little wand  
_ _Casting so much magic  
_ _All these spells that I've learned to try  
_ _Little wand, casting all this magic  
_ _Perhaps I'll charm_ —"

_"—Stupefy!"_ cried a village boy, halting the ball his brother tried to throw at him.

Lily watched their antics for a moment, then transformed a leaf into a teacup while her sister Petunia watched in disgust. Lily caught sight of her and sang:

_"There goes my sister with a scowl like always  
_ _She's come to glare at me some more  
_ _I wish that she'd just see  
_ _That my strange abilities  
_ _Signify that I'm a witch_ — _and not a whore!"_

Petunia muttered, "Freak!" before turning on her heel and stomping away.

A troupe of Pureblood wizards, Lucius Malfoy included, came strolling down the street and turned up their noses at Lily.

_"How does she do it when her folks are Muggles?  
_ _Plain and common, you can see  
_ _Not a drop of magic blood  
_ _She's descended from the mud  
_ _Can't believe that she's as magical as we."_

Lily went on her way, wandering through the village with her wand in her hand, making flowers dance around her as she walked. She was unaware that Remus Lupin and Sirius Black stood watching her with longing looks on their faces. Sirius sighed and sang:

_"I just don't understand why she won't have us  
_ _Are we not good enough for her?  
_ _Remus, you're a handsome one  
_ _And I'd show her so much fun!  
_ _She's a challenge to us men, that is for sure."_

Ignoring Remus and Sirius, Lily paused in front of a shop that sold spellbooks. She pressed her face to the window, gazing with delight at all the books that promised expertise in various charms, hexes, and potions. Bathilda Bagshot, the owner of the store, stepped out of the shop and greeted Lily.

"Our only Muggleborn in town!" said Bathilda. "What an oddity you are, dear. Have you come to read up on the history of dragons again?"

"Actually, I was hoping to find a biography on Newt Scamander," Lily replied. "Lately I find him fascinating!"

"I'll see what I can find for you!"

Bathilda disappeared inside the shop and soon returned with a leather-bound volume in her arms. Lily took it from her and eagerly turned the pages.

" _Oh, look at all this knowledge  
_ _From the most amazing shop in town  
_ _I only wish my sister  
_ _Could explore these shelves and browse them without a frown_."

Lily walked away from the bookstore, thanking Bathilda over her shoulder for the latest piece of magical history. Petunia lurked behind, casting furtive glances through the windows of the shop, and raised an eyebrow at all the strange titles she found inside.

Keeping a safe distance behind Lily, Petunia sang:

_"Most people wonder how we can be sisters  
_ _We're quite as different as can be  
_ _She's an awful little freak  
_ _I'm the one who's much more chic  
_ _Always wasting time with all those spells  
_ _She's wasting time with all those spells  
_ _Yes, casting all those foolish spells is she!"_

Petunia sniffed and took off in the opposite direction, no longer interested in following her sister. Somebody else in town was keeping an eye on Lily, though. A young man with untidy black hair named James Potter was seated astride his broomstick, hovering in the air while Lily continued her walk. Peter Pettigrew, James' chubby sidekick, hovered rather uncomfortably on the broomstick beside him, trying his best not to slide off the handle.

"Are you really going to ask her on another date, James?" Peter wanted to know.

James ruffled his hair, making it look more windswept and dashing. "Of course, Peter! And _again_ if she won't have me this time."

"But she turns you down _every_ time. You've been asking her every week for months!"

"And eventually she'll have to get tired of saying no," James said with confidence. He shot off on his broomstick, zipping through the streets while Peter struggled to keep up with him, and declared:

_"Time and again that girl has shunned me, scorned me  
_ _But I must have her and I will  
_ _I may fail to get a date  
_ _But I know it's not too late  
_ _'Cause I swear to you that I will marry Lil!"_

A group of girls stood gathered outside Madame Malkin's shop, all of them gazing at James with identical expressions of admiration. He waved at them as he flew past and the girls nearly fainted dead away.

_"He flies so well  
_ _Can you just see him?  
_ _He flies so fast  
_ _Look at him go!  
_ _He'll win that Cup  
_ _I guarantee it  
_ _He's such a speedy, strong, athletic pro!"_

James kept Lily within his sight, pausing now and then to do a complicated trick in the air for anyone who might be watching. Lily never noticed. She reached the front yard of her house and sat down on the steps leading up to the front door. She set down her book and looked up at the sky, watching the clouds form their shapes, and amused herself by making her own wisps of cloud come out of her wand.

Narcissa and Bellatrix Black, two Pureblooded sisters who lived across town, went strolling by and shook their heads at Lily.

_"I can't believe  
_ _That girl is one of us, sis  
_ _How did she ever come to be?  
_ _Though she's wearing a nice skirt  
_ _Her veins are filled with dirt  
_ _She ought to be a Muggle girl  
_ _A simple little Muggle girl  
_ _Deep down she's just a Muggle girl  
_ _You'll see!"_

The morning sun rose higher in the sky and Lily stood up, prepared to go inside and pore over her collection of spellbooks. Before she could open the door, though, James Potter came swooping by on his broomstick and halted in the yard. A girl across the street giggled and sighed at the way his hair had gotten ruffled from his flight.

Lily also sighed, but for a different reason. " _Potter_ ," she said through gritted teeth. "What do you want _now_?"

"Only an hour of your time, Lily," said James, stepping off his broomstick. Peter had landed awkwardly nearby and tried to pull a splinter out of his backside. "What will it be?" James continued, climbing onto the bottom step to Lily's house. "A nice dinner? A picnic by the river? A stroll through the town—"

"None," Lily cut him off. "When will you realize that it's never going to happen, James? I will _never_ go out with you!"

James grinned at her. "You keep saying that, but I don't believe you—"

SLAM!

Lily had rushed into the house and shut the door behind her, leaving James with an unfinished sentence. Peter managed to pluck his splinter and flicked it aside, then looked hopefully up at James. "Maybe it's time to find another girl?" he suggested.

"I don't know, Peter," said James, heaving a lovestruck sigh as he gazed up at Lily's bedroom window. "It seems the more she refuses me, the more I've got to have her! Come on, let's go get some butterbeer and I'll think up a new tactic!"

And the two of them climbed onto their brooms and zipped away again.

Lily stood at her upstairs window, watching them fly through the town. Her hands were clenched into fists and sparks came bursting from the tip of her wand. She shook her head and cried:

_"Mrs. Potter—  
_ _I couldn't bear it!  
_ _Mrs. Potter—  
_ _I'd rather die!  
_ _No James, you'll see, I couldn't stand it  
_ _A man like you could never satisfy!  
_ _I want to go where I can practice magic  
_ _Where no one cares about my blood  
_ _It's so difficult to be  
_ _Such a curiosity  
_ _In this town with no one else like me…"_

* * *

Mischief was brewing while Lily sat up in her room with a spellbook perched on her lap. A few streets over, James and Peter sat in the Three Broomsticks with their own brooms parked outside, enjoying two mugs of butterbeer. Petunia stood outside the tavern, her breath held as she stared at the glossy broom that belonged to James. It wasn't _fair_ that James and Lily and other _freaks_ like them got to turn teacups into roses and zip around in the air as free as a bird. It wasn't _fair_! She hated magic, but _oh,_ it would be so nice to do something extraordinary just once, just to show them all that Petunia Evans was more than a sour-faced busybody.

Creeping ever closer to the brooms parked outside, Petunia glanced up and down to make sure she wasn't being watched. At last, she grabbed the broom belonging to Peter and felt foolish as she held it between her legs, but to her surprise the broom actually _hovered_ above the ground. Like a horse waiting to be mounted.

So Petunia mounted.

And ended up with much more than she bargained for.

" _Oh!_ " Petunia cried, unprepared for the swift, jerking motions of Peter's broomstick. It carried her high in the air, much higher than she intended to go, and all her attempts at control fled as panic filled her. "Stop! Stop! I command you to _stop_!"

But the broom didn't listen. It flew Petunia over the village, traveling over rooftops and chimneys and ignoring her pleas. Soon it was hurtling past a dark stretch of wood known to the villagers as the Forbidden Forest, where nobody had dared to venture for many years. Unknown to the villagers, an abandoned castle lay on the other side of the forest; abandoned except for the lonely man who lurked in its dungeons.

A man named Severus Snape, who had once been a Half-Blood Prince with the darkest, softest, and silkiest hair within a hundred miles. Snape had a fondness for potions and dark arts, but most of all, he enjoyed brewing up hair remedies that could bewitch tangles and ensnare the senses with their beautiful, flowery perfumes. His hair potions could bottle anti-dandruff, brew moisturizers, and even put a stopper on pesky gray hairs. For miles around, witches and wizards came to him with their hair-related woes and came away satisfied with his tonics and shampoos.

But one fateful day, Snape had been mixing up a powerful potion that would make his hair smoother and shinier and free of tangles forever. It was his most difficult concoction yet. Everything seemed to be going fine, until a tremendous _boom!_ caused his cauldron to explode and soak every inch of him with the potion.

It was sabotage. A cruel trick played on him by the major shampoo companies who were jealous of his brewing talents. But the prank was taken a step further, because it actually contained a great and powerful curse. When Snape washed off the potion and tried to continue with his normal life, he discovered that the mixture contained a terrible side effect that could only be reversed by the magic of True Love.

The side effect was grease.

Cursed with the greasiest hair ever known to mankind, Snape fled to the abandoned dungeons of the castle beyond the Forbidden Forest. He tried to wash it out, but nothing worked. All his soap and shampoo were transformed into sticks of butter and jars of oil, and even the cleanest water couldn't rinse out the grease.

And it was straight into this terrible dungeon that Petunia found herself unintentionally flying…


	2. Chapter 2

"Has anyone seen Petunia?" Lily wanted to know. It had been several hours since her sister disappeared and Lily had been rushing around the village, asking all her neighbors if they had seen her. "It's nearly dinnertime and I haven't seen her since this morning. Petunia never misses dinner!"

Suddenly a scratched and dirty broomstick came zipping down the street. It landed on the cobblestones, its bristles limp and exhausted. Lily gasped as she realized something was attached to the handle.

"Petunia's hair ribbon! But how did it get _here_?" Without thinking twice, Lily mounted the broomstick. "Take me to where Petunia is!"

The broom obeyed and carried her past the Forbidden Forest until they had reached the dark castle with its vast, clammy dungeons. The castle had a special opening that led down to the dungeons directly, and this was where the broom took Lily. The place was dimly lit, chilly, and rather sinister, and it wasn't long until Lily was able to follow the sounds of someone sobbing. She soon found her sister crouched in a prison cell, her head in her hands as she cried.

"Lily, you have to get me out of here," Petunia sobbed. "He says he's going to cut off all my hair and make it into a wig for himself!"

" _Who?_ " said Lily.

She soon found out. A thin, sallow-skinned man dressed all in black came skulking into the room, leaving small puddles of grease everywhere he went. His greasy hair was such an awful sight that Lily gasped and covered her face when she saw it.

"Who dares to disturb my dungeon?" Snape, the greasy-haired man, demanded.

"Let Petunia go!" said Lily, uncovering her face. "She might be rude and narrow-minded, but she's my sister!"

"And she might be a filthy Muggle, but she _does_ have a clean head of hair," said Snape. "I wish to own it for myself."

"Take mine instead!" said Lily, showing off the fiery red waterfall of hair that cascaded down her shoulders.

Snape's eyes flickered with longing. "It's so… so _soft_. So pure!"

"And silky," Lily added. "I only use the best shampoo!"

Snape nearly had a heart attack at these words. He unlocked the prison cell and gave Petunia a kick in the behind. "Go!" he growled. "I have no further use for you!"

Petunia shrugged and started searching for the nearest exit. "So long, freaks!"

Snape stared at Lily, then turned away and skulked back to the room he had come from. "You may sleep wherever you wish," he called out to her over his shoulder. "You will dine with me in an hour."

As Snape swept away with his black cloak streaming behind him, two visitors came to inspect Lily. "My name is Dove!" said a greasy stick of butter who was once a bar of soap. He pointed to his companion, a jar of oil who had once been a bottle of shampoo. "And this is Pantene. We'll show you around!"

"There's not much to see," Pantene admitted. "It _is_ a cold, dark, bare old dungeon."

"And the master is a grumpy ball of grease," added Dove. He shot a guilty glance at Pantene and added, "With a soft, silky heart of lustrous beauty, of course! If you look beneath his greasy exterior."

"I'll have to keep that in mind," said Lily.

She was shown to a dark, spacious room with a stone floor, a fireplace, and solid black furniture. Everything was a gloomy black, from the pillows on the bed to the hairbrush sitting on the dresser. "The best room in the house!" Dove announced proudly.

"For someone who's hygienically challenged, he _does_ keep the place tidy," said Lily, inspecting the black bedspread. It didn't contain a speck of dust. "But why would he give me the best room in the house if he's planning to chop all my hair off?"

A bit of oil splashed around in Pantene's jar as he laughed. "You didn't think the Master was serious, did you?"

"He sure _sounded_ serious!"

"That's the only way he knows how to sound," Dove assured her. "Your hair will be perfectly safe!"

"I hope so," said Lily, giving her hair a few strokes with the solid black hairbrush.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the village, James Potter was starting to lose his confidence and began to sulk as he remembered all of his past attempts at wooing Lily. What was so repulsive about him? He was handsome, charming, and one of the wealthiest men in town. Not to mention incredibly skilled with a broomstick. _In more ways than one_ , James thought, winking at his reflection in the mirror at the Three Broomsticks.

But his moment of conceit was short-lived.

"I just don't understand it, Peter," James said, slumping into a chair by the tavern's fireplace. "It's not like Lily has her eye on anyone else! I'm the best prospect she has—the _only_ prospect she has—and yet nothing I do or say is good enough."

Peter's beady eyes grew wider in the firelight as he watched his distraught friend. His nose twitched with concern as he scurried over to comfort him. "Nonsense, James. You're doing the best you can! Lily's just incredibly stubborn."

"Or maybe I'm incredibly inept," James moaned. He glanced back at his reflection, no longer pleased with what he saw. "My whole life I thought I was a _gift_ to women, but Lily treats me like I'm a Christmas stocking filled with coal."

Peter hopped on top of the nearest table, nearly losing his balance as it wobbled a bit. "Don't be ridiculous," he said, once he managed to steady himself. "Lily would have to be _crazy_ to turn you down. I'll prove it to you!" He spread his arms wide and sang:

" _No need to get so upset, my old friend  
_ _Lily's just biding her time  
_ _No need to lose hope just yet, my old friend  
_ _Everyone knows you're divine  
_ _There's no better man to sit on a fast broom  
_ _No place in this world you can't fly  
_ _Don't waste time sitting there thinking of doom  
_ _'Cause we know you're one talented guy!_

_No one flies like Potter  
_ _No one glides like Potter  
_ _There's no one at Quidditch who tries like Potter_

_I don't know anyone who soars faster  
_ _Always, a man that succeeds!  
_ _Of the skies you're the undoubted master  
_ _Not a bird in this town could compete with your speed!"_

Peter hopped off the table and nearly crashed into a beer barrel. Remus and Sirius, who were sharing drinks by the bar, raised their glasses and joined in with:

_"Who gives chase like Potter?  
_ _Earns his place like Potter?  
_ _And who's blessed with as handsome a face as Potter?"_

James, whose confidence was returning, added, " _As a Quidditch player, I am undefeated!"_

_"Yes! He's the best, that Potter!"_ the whole tavern cried.

_"No one scores like Potter  
_ _Opens doors like Potter  
_ _in a Quidditch crowd nobody roars like Potter!"_

James stood up and accepted the mug of butterbeer Sirius handed him. His old cocky expression had returned, his dark hair sticking up in all directions as he ruffled it with his free hand. He drank from his mug, then sang:

_"When I glide I keep hold of the Quaffle  
_ _And nothing can hinder my flight  
_ _The opposing team thinks that it's awful  
_ _That I score all the goals_

_It is quite  
_ _Out of sight!"_

Peter, Remus, Sirius, and the rest of the tavern cheered James adoringly and continued with:

_"No one dives like Potter  
_ _Gives high-fives like Potter  
_ _When it comes to brooms nobody drives like Potter!"_

_"I will hex any man who suggests I've cheated!"_ added James.

To prove his point, he produced his wand and sent several sparks into the air, blowing a small hole through one of the rafters above. He swiftly repaired it and announced to the crowd:

_"When I was in school I set sight on a girl  
_ _Who had hair that's as red as a flame  
_ _And now I've grown up I've got one thing in mind  
_ _I won't rest 'til I give her my NAME!"_

James ripped open his shirt, revealing a tattoo on his chest. The tattoo was shaped like a red heart, with the words JAMES LOVES LILY printed inside it. Peter climbed back onto his table, accidentally kicking Frank Longbottom's drink to the floor, and led the entire tavern in declaring:

_"Who's as swift as Potter?  
_ _Has a gift like Potter?  
_ _Who can float on a good breeze and drift like Potter?"_

James stripped his shirt off all the way and tossed it a group of girls. _"I've got good enough reasons to be conceited!"_

The girls all screamed and fought over the shirt. The rest of the crowd stood in a circle and raised their glasses to James.

_"James is the pro  
_ _This man's no average Joe!  
_ _He's the best of the best  
_ _An athletic success  
_ _Try and find any guy that's hotter!  
_ _He's the guy good enough  
_ _To bring home the World Cup  
_ _And his name is James_ —"

"Give me a P!" cried Peter suddenly, jumping up and down with a pair of cheerleading pom-poms in his hands. The crowd roared, _P!_ "Give me an O!" _O!_ "Give me a T!" _T!_ "Give me an E—"

"I believe there's another T," Remus whispered to him.

"Thanks," muttered Peter, going red with embarrassment. "Give me an R!" _R!_ "Put it all together and what does it spell?"

"POTTER!"

All the men of the tavern raised James in the air and carried him on their shoulders, shouting and cheering as if he had just won a Quidditch tournament. James felt on top of the world once more. So confidant, in fact, that he was ready to burst into the jeweler's shop and order an engagement ring on the spot… when the merriment died down as a feminine step came into the midst of the crowd.

"I wouldn't be so sure of yourself, James," said Petunia Evans. "Lily's gone."

A series of gasps rippled through the tavern.

"Gone?" demanded James. "What do you mean?"

Petunia tried to hide her nervousness at being surrounded alone by so many wizards— _freaks_. She had been perched just outside the tavern, watching and listening through the window, until she found she could contain her secret no longer.

"That's right," said Petunia, with a contemptuous look at James. "She's being held prisoner in a dungeon beyond the Forbidden Forest, by her _own_ choice."

"Come on, Petunia, we know a lie when we hear one," Sirius spoke up. "Even _James_ hasn't flown over the Forbidden Forest!"

James stepped on his foot.

"Well it's true!"

"And so is my story," Petunia said haughtily. "There _is_ a dungeon beyond the Forbidden Forest. The most horrible, greasy-headed man lives there, and he wants to chop off Lily's hair and wear it as a wig!"

Everyone gasped again, horrified at these words. Everyone except Remus, who took a step forward.

"Even if this is true," he said, "how could you possibly know, Petunia? Surely _you've_ never been past the Forbidden Forest!"

"But I have," said Petunia.

Suddenly a long, thin object came gliding through the open tavern door and hovered before the crowd. Peter's beady eyes fixed upon the object in shock.

"But that's my broomstick!" he cried.

James was smirking. "You actually expect us to believe that a _Muggle_ rode that broomstick beyond the Forbidden Forest, Petunia?"

"I didn't _ride_ it there! It _took_ me against my will. That thing has a mind of its own—"

But Petunia's voice was swiftly drowned out as people turned away from her, resuming their previous conversations. Everyone in the room had decided to believe James.

"I don't even know why I bother," Petunia muttered to herself. "I'm much better off without her, after all. But she _is_ my sister… And anyway," she added, just in case anyone was eavesdropping, "it won't be any fun getting stuck with all her chores now that she's gone."

She glanced at Peter's broomstick, almost tempted to take to the skies again, then shuddered and averted her eyes.

" _Ugh!_ Revolting thing!"

Lily would just have to get used to dungeon life for the time being.


	3. Chapter 3

Back in the dungeons, Lily was becoming acquainted with her new home. The dungeons were a dark and lonely place, but they contained a solitude that was almost comforting. _No arrogant Potter showing off his latest flying trick_ , she thought in an attempt to comfort herself. The dungeons had all the basic accommodations, such as a kitchen, a dining room, and even a library filled with spellbooks. The only problem was the bathroom.

"We bathe in very humble circumstances around here," Dove told her sadly.

"You should have seen the Master's bathroom in the old days," said Pantene. "It was glorious!"

"Soaps in every scent you could think of."

"Ten different kinds of shampoo."

"Body sponges so soft, the towels were jealous!"

"What happened to it all?" Lily asked, studying the pitiful, bare chamber that served as the dungeon's bathroom.

Dove's buttery face turned wistful as he thought back to his former glory. "A terrible curse transformed us. Back in the old days, Pantene could have made your hair soft and shining."

"Dove could have made your skin smooth and clean," said Pantene.

"And I used to be the Master's favorite bottle of body wash," said a pot of bacon grease named Neutrogena, who had come to join them.

"Ah, what I would give to be my old soapy self again!" cried Dove.

"Isn't there any way to break the curse?" asked Lily, producing her wand. "Surely there's a transfiguration spell that could—"

"You think Master Snape hasn't tried that already?" said Neutrogena. "He's tried _everything_."

"Not _quite_ everything," muttered Dove, too low for Lily to hear.

"But every curse has to have a counterspell," said Lily. "There must be _something_."

Dove and Pantene traded conspiratorial glances. " _Wellll…_ ," Dove said slowly. "You can start by getting spruced up and dining with the Master."

"Spruced up?" Lily echoed. She stared at the single plain tub that sat before her. "But I don't see any shampoo or soap… or even a towel!" She raised her wand again, eyeing it thoughtfully.

"Don't waste your breath," Pantene told her. "The curse won't let you summon any bathing or beauty product within a mile of where the Master dwells."

"Alas, we only have water in this place," added Dove. "And though it adequately rinses away dirt and makeup, it is _completely_ powerless against grease."

"How do you all get by in this place?" Lily wanted to know.

Dove offered her a sad smile. "You make do with what you have, and for the rest, you use your imagination. Like this!"

He hopped on top of the bathtub and faucet and sang:

 _"Scrub your best_ , _scrub your best  
_ _Put your hygiene to the test  
_ _Pretend you're at a fine salon  
_ _Before you get undressed  
_ _It's a plain_ _little spot  
_ _But at least the water's hot  
_ _Though I know you would much rather  
_ _Work your hair into a lather_

 _It's all right_ , _don't despair  
_ _There's a way we'll save that hair!  
_ _And imagination will do all the rest  
_ _Good thing you're such a beauty  
_ _We'll work wonders, you see  
_ _Scrub your best_ , _yes, your best  
_ _Scrub your best!_

 _Woe is you, no shampoo  
_ _Give up hope, there's no soap  
_ _You'll just have to take a rinse  
_ _And for a towel, air will do!  
_ _At this point, you may try  
_ _Using magic to get dry  
_ _But, my dear, it would be all wrong  
_ _For the curse has gotten too strong  
_ _But don't cry!_ _You will see  
_ _That there's possibility_

_And if all else fails, you're certainly well-dressed  
_ _Though there's no soap and suds  
_ _To go with those fine duds  
_ _Don't you worry, don't you stress  
_ _You're our one and only guest  
_ _Scrub your best, scrub your best, scrub your best!"_

Dove slipped down from the faucet and hung his head in despair, suddenly overcome with memories of better days. Lily, who was soaking in a tub of plain water, tried to comb out her hair with her fingers while Dove sadly continued:

_"How I miss my hygiene  
_ _In a world that's always unclean  
_ _I'm so hurt by all this dirt that's all around  
_ _If we only had some soapy water (right, Pantene?)  
_ _All our dirt and grease would then be drowned  
_ _Such anguish to have dirt  
_ _On every floor and every shirt  
_ _So much washing that we never will get done!  
_ _The dust and dirt is piling by the ton  
_ _Life was getting silly  
_ _'Til we ended up with Lily!"_

The mood in the bathroom immediately brightened and Dove leaped into the air, leaving behind a trail of buttery residue.

Lily was pleased with the attention, even if it did come from a talking stick of butter. Dove, Pantene, and Neutrogena whirred and zipped around her, with the assistance of a greasy spatula named Clinique and an oily rag named L'Oreal. They all pretended to wash her hair with the finest shampoo and apply the most exquisite makeup to her face, all of them thrilled to assist her with the imagination.

"At least my clothes are still real," said Lily, hopping about the room in an attempt to air-dry herself.

"And clean," Pantene remarked, gazing at them enviously.

"For _now_ ," Neutrogena said with an ominous sigh.

* * *

Once Lily was as presentable as the dungeons would allow, she was escorted to a gloomy dining hall filled with green and silver furnishings. Snape sat at the head of the table in a massive black chair that loomed behind him like a shadow. His hair was as greasy as ever, filling Lily with horror, but she forced herself to look at him as she approached the table.

"Tut, tut," Snape said in a voice filled with sarcasm. "Late, just as I expected."

"Late?" said Lily. "You never proposed a time!"

Snape consulted the solid black pocket watch he kept in the depths of his black robes. "Still, you are exactly three hundred and ninety-four seconds later than I expected you to arrive. I'll be subtracting ten points."

"Ten points from what?"

Snape gave her a condescending look. "Must I explain everything to you? I have chosen to keep a scorecard on your behavior as my prisoner. Now sit before I subtract an additional twenty points."

Lily sat. To her relief, the food in the dungeons appeared perfectly normal, though Snape seemed to avoid any food containing oil or grease. She also couldn't help noticing that whenever he thought she wasn't watching, he stared across the table at her clean, lustrous hair.

"What do you do for fun around here?" Lily spoke up. "Besides skulk around and brood on things?"

Snape began to scowl, but his face softened as he took another covetous look at her hair. "Fun? I have little use for such frivolous things as _fun_. But in my spare time, which is plentiful, I devote myself to brewing potions."

Lily's face brightened for the first time since she arrived in the dungeons. "You like potions too?"

* * *

"I'm telling you," Petunia repeated for the umpteenth time to the magical— _and spectacularly stupid_ —population of the village, "there _is_ a monstrous man with the most horrible, greasy hair. And there _is_ a dungeon on the other side of the Forbidden Forest. There's where he's keeping Lily!"

"I suppose there _might_ be the slightest possibility that it _could_ be a little bit true," Remus admitted.

"I don't lie," Petunia said coldly.

"But have we ruled out the possibility of strong drink or hallucinatory drugs?" Sirius suggested.

Petunia gave him a withering look. "You disgust me."

The Three Broomsticks was packed, as it usually was on a Saturday night. Petunia wasn't certain how she had gotten there, but there she was, sitting amongst a motley group of _freaks_. Strangely enough, she had been drawn to the place since her sister's imprisonment.

"You know," Arthur Weasley piped up over his butterbeer, "It may not be _that_ impossible for a Muggle to cross the Forbidden Forest. They have to develop certain strengths, naturally, from having to make do without magic—"

"Being what I am has nothing to do it," said Petunia. She refused to say the word _Muggle_. "If none of you believe me, then I dare one of you—or _all_ of you—to fly over the forest and see for yourself."

Her words were met with silence. Only the crackling of flames from the tavern's fireplace made a sound until James set down his mug and said, "Well, as Lily's fiancé, that person should clearly be _me_."

"You haven't even gotten a date with her yet," Peter reminded him.

"As her _future_ fiancé, " James amended. He stood up and grinned at the crowd of faces. "I'm the perfect candidate for such an adventure. After all, there's no one in this town who—"

"— _flies like Potter!_ " the crowd continued for him. " _No one glides like Potter! There's no one at Quidditch who tries like_ —"

"Not _this_ again," muttered Petunia. She slid out of her seat and headed for the door in search of peace, quiet, and above all, _sanity_.


	4. Chapter 4

"You truly do… _enjoy_ all of this?" Snape asked, trying to hide his hesitation behind his usual cold mask.

"Oh, yes," said Lily, gazing lovingly at all the cauldrons, braziers, and potions ingredients that made up Snape's workroom. "It's one of the most wonderful things I've ever seen!"

Snape turned his back on her. "Then it's yours."

" _Mine?_ "

"Are you deaf, Miss Evans? I said you may have it. _All_ of it."

"Oh," Lily gasped. She turned around the room, taking in the shelves piled high with dozens of ingredients she'd never even heard of. A cauldron was already bubbling, giving off steam that sent her into a thrill. "Thank you so much." It was on the tip of her tongue to call him _Sev_ , for some reason. Embarrassed, she made an effort to conceal her blush behind a stack of potions books.

Snape was refusing to look at her anyway. "Well," he said haltingly, then reached for the handle of the door. "I hope you make something useful of it."

He was about to make his departure, when Lily blurted out, "Wait!"

Snape slowly turned around to face her. His hair was no less greasy that it was on the day she met him, but somehow it didn't bother her so much. "It should all be self-explanatory, Miss Evans. You _do_ know how to read instructions, I assume."

"No, it's not that. It's… I… perhaps you'd like to stay and, well… brew a potion with me?"

The seconds passed. Snape stared at her in mild shock, while Dove, Pantene, and Neutrogena were gathered in the shadowy corners of the room, whispering excitedly amongst themselves. At last Snape closed the door and approached the cauldron, his black robes sweeping behind him.

"I believe that would be… _satisfactory_ ," he said.

The two of them spent the next hour cloistered away in the workroom together, poring over books and chopping ingredients and sharing the same cauldron. Dove was so excited he nearly melted into a buttery puddle on the workroom floor. Oil was sloshing wildly inside the jar that served as Pantene's body.

"This could be it," Dove whispered. "She might break the spell!"

"She hardly even notices the grease anymore," Pantene said in wonder. "It's a miracle!"

"Oh, to be foamy and clean and scented like _strawberries_ again," Neutrogena sighed. "Think of all that could happen if this girl _is_ the one!" She twirled around slowly, careful not to spill any bacon grease out of her pot, and opened her mouth to sing:

_"Hair that's never clean  
_ _What a fearful sight  
_ _Covered all in slime  
_ _Dripping all the time  
_ _'Til she saw the light_

_Who would ever think  
_ _That the filth would cease?  
_ _Even without soap  
_ _There is always hope  
_ _Wash away that grease_

_Someday he will bathe  
_ _Someday we'll be pure  
_ _Someday sometime soon  
_ _On an afternoon  
_ _We'll be clean for sure_

_With some fine shampoo  
_ _Anything can be  
_ _Rinse that greasy hair  
_ _Lather everywhere  
_ _Just you wait and see_

_Look at all the grime  
_ _Magically decrease  
_ _Think what you can do  
_ _With some fine shampoo  
_ _Wash away that grease_

_Think what you can do  
_ _With some fine shampoo  
_ _Wash away that grease_!"

As Neutrogena's song ended, she thought longingly of her former glory as Snape's favorite body wash. Dove and Pantene were both daydreaming, imagining the wonderful day when they could resume their lives as bathing essentials. And Lily laughed over the cauldron, enjoying herself as she stirred the bubbling mixture within, and forgot that she was a prisoner.

* * *

Nobody in the village had forgotten Lily's imprisonment, though, especially James. He polished the handle of his broomstick, admiring the way it looked in the moonlight as nighttime arrived, and imagined having his and Lily's initials carved into the wood. "JP + LE," he murmured to himself, giving the end of his broom one last shine.

Petunia was watching him. They both sat on the porch outside the Three Broomsticks, while a couple dozen villagers milled around, waiting for action. Though most of them still thought Petunia's stories were absurd, they were beginning to realize that one thing was true: Lily was missing and hadn't returned.

"Whether there's a greasy-headed man or not," said James, mounting his broom, " _I'm_ going to make history as the first man to fly over the Forbidden Forest!"

Several of the villagers cheered. Many of them were clutching brooms of their own, prepared to follow James in his flight.

"And if Lily's on the other side of that forest," James continued, "she'll marry me for sure once I've rescued her!"

More cheers erupted from the street full of villagers.

" _Hmph!_ " said Petunia, thinking what an arrogant fool he was. "Once Lily catches sight of him, she'll never come out of that dungeon. I suppose _I'll_ have to come along if we want any chance of bringing her back." She gazed all around her, frowning at all the horrible brooms that were being mounted by witches and wizards. "But if I have to ride one of those _things_ again, I'll lose my mind!"

"Luckily for you, I've got the perfect solution!" announced Arthur, who had been eavesdropping. He raised his wand aloft and summoned a pale blue car that flew through the air. It halted several feet in front of Petunia, its doors popping open invitingly.

Petunia realized she was gaping and hastily shut her mouth.

"Just like what you're used to," said Arthur, leading her to the passenger seat. "Only it's airborne! You Muggles are really the funniest people, you know. If you can make those airplane-whatsits fly through the air, then why on _earth_ do you drive your cars on the ground? It's fascinating!"

Petunia slid into the passenger side of the flying car. "Thank you," she said stiffly.

All at once, a whole swarm of broomsticks rose into the air, with Arthur's car taking the rear. At the head of the party was James, who cried " _Lumos!_ " and held his illuminated wand like a torch. The rest of the villagers followed suit until dozens of lights were flying in the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

Everyone except Petunia cheered as James was the first to make it across.

* * *

The braziers were unlit, the potions books were stacked away, and all the scattered ingredients had been cleared. Lily and Snape were taking a stroll through the dungeons together, while the usual assortment of talking objects followed from behind, and Snape seemed on the verge of saying something important. Every now and then he would turn to look at Lily, his eyes lingering on the brilliant red hair that rippled down her back. At last he gave a little cough, halted his steps, and said:

"Lily… Miss Evans… I find it necessary to inquire on your satisfaction with your current circumstances. I know a dungeon is not an ideal place for a girl, but is it possible… is it the least bit conceivable… that you _could_ be happy here?"

"Of course," said Lily. "I've never been happier anywhere else!" Her face fell. "Only, I would like to see my family one more time. They must be worried about me, even Petunia."

"I believe that can be arranged. Follow me."

Lily followed Snape into a small room she had never seen before. The room was lonelier than anything else she had seen in the dungeon, since it was completely empty aside from a massive mirror that towered against one wall. By the torchlight she could read an unusual message that had been etched into the frame: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_.

"This," Snape said quietly, "is the Mirror of Erised. Its reflection will show you what you most desire."

At first it seemed to Lily that the mirror wasn't working properly. For a moment she thought she saw Snape reflected on its glassy surface, but the image quickly shifted and revealed the quiet, familiar streets of her village. Only the streets were much quieter than usual, since everyone was up in the air on broomsticks. Lily was shocked to see Petunia seated in a flying car with Arthur Weasley, their batty neighbor who was always asking them about Muggle devices.

Even more unsettling was the fact that James Potter was in the lead of the group, his usual cocky expression on his face as he flew through the air. He was heading directly over the Forbidden Forest.

"Oh no," said Lily. "They're heading this way!"

"Who?" asked Snape.

"James. Petunia. Half the villagers! I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it."

Sensing Lily's desire to see what was happening outside, the Mirror of Erised showed her that the villagers were indeed heading for the dungeons. She couldn't hear what was being said between them, but if James was at the head of the line than it couldn't be anything good.

"Please," Lily begged Snape. She had the strangest urge to call him _Sev_ again. "If my sister is mixed up in something awful, then I have to save her. You must set me free so I can find out what's going on!"

The entire room seemed to be holding its breath, the mirror included. Snape's dark, fathomless eyes watched Lily from behind a curtain of lank, greasy hair.

"Very well," he said after a pause. "You may go."

Lily thanked him and took off, carrying the key to the dungeon he had handed her. Dove, Pantene, and Neutrogena all watched her leave with identical expressions of greasy bewilderment.

"But, Master!" cried Pantene. "What about the curse?"

"Once she rejoins her fellow villagers, she'll have no reason to come back!" protested Dove.

"Do you _want_ to melt into a puddle of grease someday?" demanded Neutrogena.

But Snape didn't respond to any of them. He was too busy gazing into the Mirror of Erised.

* * *

Out on the castle grounds that surrounded the dungeons, Lily was just in time as a flock of broomsticks came soaring toward her in the moonlight. She immediately recognized Peter, who looked ready to be sick from the ride, and James, who looked as triumphant as if somebody had placed a Quidditch trophy into his arms. The sight of him made Lily feel like _she_ was ready to be sick.

One by one, the brooms landed on the lawn, their passengers holding lit wands like torches. Remus was the first one to notice that Lily stood some distance away.

"Lily, you're here! Then it _is_ true."

"I told you so," sniffed Petunia, trying her hardest to look like she hadn't enjoyed the ride in Arthur's car.

James swaggered forward, his dark hair rumpled in just the right way. "Lily! I've come to rescue you!"

"Go eat a flobberworm, Potter," said Lily. "I'm not coming with you."

"Of course you are! I've got a nice romantic evening planned for us at home."

" _No_ , Potter."

"Why? Are you afraid the big, bad, greasy-headed monster won't let you?" asked James.

Remus, Sirius, and Peter all chuckled behind him.

"Stop laughing!" cried Lily. "There _is_ a man beneath the castle with greasy hair, but it's not what you think! Severus is very intelligent and can be kind when he wants to be—"

"How can you say that?" Petunia broke in. "I met him for myself. He was horrible!"

"Clearly she's under a spell," James decided. "Otherwise she wouldn't sound so fond of this creature." He jumped on top of a fancy bench decorating the castle grounds. "I say we invade this dungeon and free Lily from the monster's spell!"

"There _is_ no spell on me," Lily tried to explain, but her words were useless. All the villagers went stampeding across the lawn, following James to the abandoned castle.

Lily ran after them, but it was too late. The castle wasn't locked and they all went pouring through the doors, trooping down the stairs to the underground lair where Severus lived. Lights of various colors flashed through the darkness as wizards and witches cast spells at all the sticks of butter, jars and tubs of oil and grease, and bits of dirty rag that stood up to defend their home. One particularly greasy spatula (which used to be a comb in her previous life) dealt Sirius a blow on the head.

"My hair!" Sirius cried. "I've been contaminated!"

Remus slipped and fell on a buttery patch of floor. "Now my pants are all greasy!"

The two of them tried to use magic to cleanse themselves, but it didn't work.

"This place is under a curse, you know," said Lily, coming up behind them. "Have fun with that!" And she dashed off in search of Snape.

But once again, she was too late. James had gotten there first.


	5. Chapter 5

Snape had no idea his castle had been invaded, until James discovered him alone in his workroom.

The door to the room had been left wide open. Snape stood at a long table, organizing and re-stacking his books and and ingredients in an effort to take his mind off Lily. At first James was horror-stricken at the sight of Snape's greasy hair, but gradually a smirk formed on his lips.

"Well, well," said James, stepping further into the workroom. " _Severus_ , she called you. Personally I think Snivellus suits you better."

Snape looked at James with all the contempt in the world. "And who exactly might _you_ be?"

"I'm James Potter, Lily's fiancé. She told me you'd be down here."

"Lily," Snape whispered, dropping a jar of lacewings. He quickly composed himself and scowled at James. "And what makes you arrogant enough to think Lily would marry the likes of _you_?"

"Jealous?" said James.

"You wish," scoffed Snape.

"Bold words from a man with hair like yours. There's a handy little thing called shampoo, you know." James smiled and headed for the doorway. "But I guess I'll leave you to discover that for yourself."

James acted like he was leaving the room, but as soon as Snape wasn't looking, James turned around and shouted, " _Levicorpus!_ "

Snape rose into the air, up toward the high ceiling of the dungeon room. His body twisted until he hung upside down. With another flick of his wand, James caused Snape's pants to fall down, exposing his gray underwear. James was laughing so hard, tears streamed down his face.

The sound of his laughter brought Lily racing into the room. "Sev!" she cried, completely distraught. "Potter, what have you done to him?"

"I'm only having a little fun before I discover what spell he's used to bewitch your mind," said James.

"Stop it! He didn't do anything to you!"

"But he's done a great deal of damage to _you_ , Lily. Just listen to yourself! No girl in her right mind would actually care for that _thing_ dangling above us."

Snape thrashed helplessly above them, trying and failing to pull his pants back up. Two things happened at once: James raised his wand, ready to cast another jinx at Snape, and Lily slapped James across the face. When James cast his spell, it came out distorted due to the sudden sting of pain across his cheek, and the magic rebounded on him. James was lifted high in the air, nearly hitting the cold stone ceiling, then dropped like a rock into a giant boiling cauldron that sat below. Snape fell with a crash and hit the worktable piled high with books, then rolled to the floor and lay still.

Lily ran to Snape, who was battered and bruised from his fall. "Sev! Oh, Sev, are you all right?"

Snape's voice was weak, but he still managed to sarcastically respond, "The part of me that's most grievously injured is my pride, Lily." He closed his eyes and fell silent.

Lily drew close to him, not caring if she got grease on her clothes. "Sev, you must stand up and hold your head high again! Not everyone thinks you're a hideous monster. _I_ love you!"

And a burst of colored fireworks showered overhead. Trumpets blared and angels sang and the men in charge of all the major shampoo companies shook their heads in disappointment, knowing they had been defeated. A miraculous transformation was happening right before Lily's eyes. Snape rose from the floor, bathed in a pale glowing light, and his greasy strands of hair became sleek and lustrous and _clean_. The light faded and he stood before Lily, a man with the silkiest black hair she had ever seen.

One by one, Dove transformed back into a bar of soap, Pantene turned into a bottle of shampoo, and Neutrogena turned into Snape's favorite body wash. Greasy spatulas became combs, dirty bits of rag became washcloths, and tubs of lard became conditioner again.

Snape ran his hands through Lily's mane of red hair. "Come," he said. "I know exactly the right shampoo that will free you from tangles."

And the two of them walked out of the dungeon and into the sunshine, where all of their hair problems were over forever.

James, meanwhile, had survived his ordeal in the cauldron, but he was never the same again. After Snape and Lily went off to make all their hair-related dreams come true, James came crawling of the boiling hot cauldron covered in burns and sores. But worst of all was the damage done to his hair, which James had always been so proud of.

Every inch was coated in grease.

Gone were the days when James could ruffle his lustrous black hair, making it look deliciously windswept, like he had just stepped off his broomstick after scoring a Quidditch goal. Now there was no girl in her right mind who would find the sight of him delicious, unless she was hungry for grease. James' hair was now so unbelievably greasy, it made the oiliest French fries look healthy in comparison.

No matter what James did, he couldn't reverse the cauldron's horrible spell. He tried to towel-dry his hair as hard as he could, but the greasiness persisted. He tried every single shampoo Snape had left behind, but nothing could get him clean. Even water completely failed to wash out the disgusting, dripping horror that had overtaken his head.

James was stuck with greasy hair for all eternity.

The only thing left of his former glory was his broomstick. James found the broom lying all by itself, out on the abandoned palace grounds, and spend a long moment gazing at its beautiful, polished wood and perfectly-formed twigs.

He took the broom deep into the dungeons under Snape's castle.

And there it consumed him.

"My preciousss…"

**THE END**


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